So this is the article I wrote for Cracked.com A bunch of them liked the idea but I submitted it too late thanks to exams. Rushed through the last half of it but anyways here's my final prototype of the article. Enjoy!
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Our view of Santa changes throughout life. As a child, he’s the one person we wish we could meet but never do. Once you grow up more, you realize why you could never meet him and depending on how strong you were, you either cried for days or for weeks. Once you reach your teens, you make fun of Santa cause he’s apparently a stalker pedophile that knows everything about you. And when you’re an adult, you can only wish that Santa is real so you wouldn’t have to go out and buy all that shit your children “really” want for Christmas. Views of Santa are surely different across the globe but in general, he’s that obese man with three ho’s that we’ve all come to know and love. However, most of the people around the world fail to see past the beard, presents and the rolls (of fat). If they did, they would know the true identity of Santa Clause...that he’s one badass son-of-a-bitch. Things like:
1) Flying Across The Globe In One Goddamn Day
We all know this from the stories we've heard since we were a kid but dig deeper into the story and you'll find the truth. For one, Santa flies across the goddamn world, in one goddamn day, in a goddamn open sled with magic ass reindeer. That in itself is pretty badass but think of places he flies to. Places around the world known to show hostility to anything that isn't on their side. Places like Afganistan, Iraq, North Korea, Sudan etc. Hell even US no fly zones.
Damn
Imagine Santa going to these places in a flying sleigh, especially in no-fly zones. Think of the amount of RPG's bullet, and AA (anti-air) fucking-everything being fired at him while he does to deliver presents to children in these areas.
Choose your side
That's like you wearing a big ass red target sheet and walking in the middle of an open field during elite sniper practice while being chased by a herd of freshly castrated bulls all to deliver a small trinket to someone you don't know just fucking cause. And somehow, he manages to dodge all that shit unscathed and carry on to deliver toys to other countries around the world. Badass? Yup.
2) Being More Stealthy Than Solid Snake, Russian Spies And That Spider Beside You...Combined
So we know of the insane tour of duty Santa has to go through each year. We know that he flies around the world delivering presents to all the "good" children of the world. But how does he get the presents under the tree? We all know the common tale of Santa going down your fireplace chimney, placing the present right under the tree (which is conveniently right beside the fireplace) and gtfo-ing. But seriously. Fireplace chimneys? How British is that.
The chimneys of today are pretty much a pipe since the traditional wooden log fireplaces are obsolete save some cabins or antique (super old) houses.
For someone who knows every single language in the world, you'd think he'd be smarter than a fifth grader. And he sure is. Why do you think we never see him...EVER. What Santa really wears would be along the lines of dark blue or navy blue. Why not black? Because wearing black at night actually makes you stand out more no matter what teachings ninja's have given you over the years. The moon shines shades of blue, not black right? So naturally a shade of blue would conceal yourself better.
Another lie he's made you believe you ask? That he lives in the North Pole. Why the hell would you want to live in absolute zero every day of your life? He just says that he does so that nobody would know where he really lives which is probably a deserted island that no ones ever heard of or seen. Kind of like Gunkanjima but a lot less subtle.
True Story
Yeah good luck Santa
But for the sake of Santa's badassery, lets pretend that everyone still has log fireplaces and thus bigger chimney chutes. Even then, a woman got stuck in one of those and ended up dying. You might think, "Oh she must be a fatass." But in this tale of revenge, the woman wanted to break into the mans house to do what crazy 49 year old women to do their on again off again boyfriends. Luckily for the guy, he left before she got in...through the chimney. So if she can get on the chimney without rolling off, there's no way she's nearly as fat as Santa. Also she was a doctor. Either way she's dead now. So if she couldn't get in through the chimney, how the hell can fatass Santa Claus even get a cankle through? Look behind the tales of old Santa doesn't go down the chimney. That's just what he wants you to think. He's that good. He just parks his shit on the roof and finds a way to break into your house. Seriously. Think of it. How else are you going to get into a house. Not through a fucking chimney that's how. The amount of ways that Santa has found ways to break into houses must be unreal. Everything from trailerpark security systems
Innovation
To those high tech Japanese transformers security systems that we won't get for another 50 years. Santa has to break into each and every different type of security system he comes across with however many presents he needs, find the christmas tree, put the presents there and then do the reverse to adios it out of there. All without getting caught. The amount of stealth needed to accomplish that without ever getting caught is surreal. Oh wait what was that? Did you hear something behind you? Take a look. That was actually Santa. Didn't see him? Yeah. He's that good.
3 The Ability To Accept Change
Santa's been around for fuck knows how long. Apparently he found the fountain of youth when he was at a tender age of 86, only to be disappointed and realize that it only keeps you alive forever but at the same age. Or maybe it's all the coke.
Open Happiness
Either way, Santa's fucking old. Century years old. Think of all the generations he's delivered presents to. I'm not just talking about people but also technology. When Santa had to do his iron man run across the world centuries and centuries ago, it would've been a walk in the park. One of the AA weapons back then would have been a longbow which probably ended up killing more people on it's return trip thanks to gravity. Nowadays, AA weapons are slightly more advanced.
Pictured: The longbow of 20th century
Slightly. Each year, Santa has to face new technology making his trip worse every year. Everything from military advances, household security, Texas and its firearms etc. Except somehow, someway, Santa didn't inherit the standard old people "I don't understand technology" trait and is able to accept, adapt and defeat changes to technology year after year, decade after decade.
Grandma: What does it mean, this "left click"?
4) Being Part Druid
Now before all you WoW nerds have a nerd rage, I'm talking about druid from Diablo II. You know the druids that commanded animals and conjured up storms and shit? Yeah Santa's part that. Put yourself in the position of one of his reindeers. Sure you're vacation is practically 364 days of the year but on that one day you would have to work, you've got to haul ass and presents around the world. Literally. How Santa would (and can) encourage reindeers to do this each year is beyond me (and Ceasar Milan). Not only that, the reindeers have to be in top shape for the trip. Imagine how bad it would be if they became fatasses and had multiple successive cardiac arrests reindeer style over Iraq. I don't even think Santa could get out of that one.
Exactly
So if Santa didn't have some badass druid skills somewhere in his bloodline (if he has one). How the hell is he going to train reindeer to fly around the world every single year? He wouldn't.
5) Knowing Every Language...Ever
True story. Santa knows or has known every language since his inception. How? What the hell else do you think he does on the other 364 days besides slave elves and have his way with Mrs. Claus. Why? So it's christmas eve and you're at home chilling with your significant other (or hand) and suddenly you hear something. You grab your loaded shotgun conveniently in reach and then you see Santa. Is it really Santa? Is he real? He can't be. Instead of reasoning with this man, you decide that you're going to load him up with lead first then check later. But before you fire, he says something:
S: I wouldn't do that if I were you son
You: Why? Who the shit are you?
S: Who do I look like?
You: Fake mall Santa?
S: Drop the fake mall and that's me
You: Yeah right, you're not real
S: Believe what you want but it appears that your welfare check didn't come in. I don't see any presents under that tree. Do you?
You: Fuck off
S: Well I was going to give your kid that thing he really wanted...
You: No, no. Shit I didn't say fuck off I said the opposite? Whatever, either way I take it back
S: Usually I'd no take backsies but whatever it's Christmas and I still have to go to China. Here's your present. You're welcome. Get a job
You: Thanks!?
Something like that. After doing the same thing for centuries I'm sure Santa can be quite the dildo (at least when he doesn't want to be seen). Sure it won't be hard to explain yourself here in North America since everyone is generally proficient in english but what about overseas? What about in areas of different dialects of the same language? If Santa didn't know literally every language and dialect in the world since he began his career, that conversation would never happen and his face would look a lot different that it did now. Kinda like those Nazi's at the end of "Temple of Doom" except with bullets.
Imagine that on Christmas
So if somehow his stealth fails him, his linguistics will save him. Hell he could translate the dead sea scrolls or the original bible passages if he wanted to. But if it ain't related to Christmas, he just doesn't give a fuck
Told You
6) Advertises Propaganda Better Than The Alies And Axis of WWII Combined
History lesson time kids. Depending on how old you are or how much history you know, World War II was not only a war of who has the better weapons, industrian power, manpower and unity as a country. Nor was it only a war of attrition but it was also a war of who had the better advertisements. Better known in wartimes are propaganda. Basically advertisements to make people want to join the army or work harder for their country telling them it's for a greater cause or because it's the right tig to do. Or in the case of Nazi Germany, it you didn't want to get the shit murdered out of you personally by Hitler or the Gestapo/SS. These advertisements did a lot for the people at the time. Sure some seemed like bullshit but the general mass felt encouraged by the amount of encouragement that surrounded them. Propaganda made them work harder and believe it was the right thing to do. Seriously just do to google and search for WW2 Propaganda posters. They came up with some awesome shit.
THE GUN SHOW
So how does this relate to Santa? Well for one, do you really think he wears red on his trek across the globe at nighttime. If he really, really wanted to get shot then yes, by all means. Think of how well he stick out in the night sky.
Not noticeable at all
For someone who knows every single language in the world, you'd think he'd be smarter than a fifth grader. And he sure is. Why do you think we never see him...EVER. What Santa really wears would be along the lines of dark blue or navy blue. Why not black? Because wearing black at night actually makes you stand out more no matter what teachings ninja's have given you over the years. The moon shines shades of blue, not black right? So naturally a shade of blue would conceal yourself better.
Don't believe all their teachings
Another lie he's made you believe you ask? That he lives in the North Pole. Why the hell would you want to live in absolute zero every day of your life? He just says that he does so that nobody would know where he really lives which is probably a deserted island that no ones ever heard of or seen. Kind of like Gunkanjima but a lot less subtle.
It's all lies
Those are only a few things that Santa has made you believe in his century spanning propaganda campaign. What else could there be? Who knows. Maybe he's not fat at all. Maybe he doesn't have a super beard. Maybe he's not caucasian. Maybe his elves aren't caucasian.
Oh wait
Either way, Santa has made you believe his lies if you like it or not. Weather you're a Russian Spy or an average Joeseph, he's made you think he's a fatass with a big beard that wears read and lives in the North Pole. You see his propaganda everywhere. It's even transcended posters and simple advertisements on media. Just go the nearest mall around Christmas time and you'll see, in physical form, living propaganda. A man dressed as what we all believe as Santa with all his little elves. All. Lies. Maybe Santa isn't even real. Or maybe. Just maybe, there's a little part of Santa in all of us. Maybe that's what gives us our Christmas spirit...
Except not actually cause that sounds pretty fucking homo. Santa is a badass and he's out to get you. He sees you reading this right now and if you don't like it, better make sure you don't show it...or else.
Vince Zafra
2010/12/20
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